O Children

From the mouths of babes

“Ow, my penis!”

—    ___, after accidentally “dressing up” while pulling his underwear on, July 2013

For the past few days _____ has been saying, “When I grow up I’m going to be a mouse.” 

I think it’s the best cop-out for having to get a job or be an adult.  Ever.

“UGGGGH! Not THAT again…”

—    ________, when someone brings up drinking beer, July 2013

(A four-year-old girl is tearing a hangnail off of her finger.)


Are you sure you want to do that? It will just grow back.


That's what I want! I want it to grow back and then I will rip it off again and I will keep ripping it off forever. (throws hands up and rolls her eyes) Can't you see it makes me happy?

___ really wanted to play catch today.  Thing is she decided that she wanted to while lying on the floor with her feet in the air.

"Throw the ball between my legs!" she shouted.

I said no.  She asked why and I told her it was a bad idea.

Today some three-year-olds were playing on the playground.  One of them threw herself on the ground and started flopping while face down. 

"I’m drowning!" she yelled.  "I’m drowning!"

"I’ll save you!" a boy yelled in return.  He ran over, straddled her and began grabbing her backside. 

(A two-year-old girl approaches me with an apron and hands it to me)


Tie me up!



____ walked up to me holding a frying pan with a toy syringe in it.

"Look!" she said.  "I’m going home to cook this up."

Today a three-year-old girl told me that she was three, and since I was older than her I must be four.

"How old is your mother, then?" I asked.

I expected her to say something like, “Five.”  Instead she shouted “FIFTY OLD!”

The weird part is that she has a young mother.

(Hanging out with a three-year-old boy)


Bill Murray is the coolest.


(ecstatic) HE'S A COOL POP-POP!

(Sitting on the floor with a two-year-old girl)


Who has a magic wand?


This is my magic wand.


No, that's your middle finger.

“I be up! I be up! I be up!”

—    _____, standing on a chair behind me and gesturing like a rapper, June 2013

I injured my foot recently.  My only request of ____ was that she try to sit on my lap, not on my foot.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because it hurts."

"I want to sit on your foot," she said.  "I want to sit on your foot!”

(Walking in the hallway with a two-year-old girl.)


I love Lady Gaga.






Because I love her. Where is she?


I have no idea.

A two-year-old girl was crying today so I took some glitter and blew it into her face. 

She thought it was magical.  She stopped crying.